The Holiday Part One -- Travel

Democracy is a hell of a thing. When embraced it can spread to the most unlikely of places. The cabin of a 747 for example.

Let me explain. One of the first things I noticed about SAA was the remarkable level of camaraderie amongst the passengers. Is the South African psyche such that they simply cannot hold back their gregarious personalities? Perhaps, but I think the real reason is that it very quickly becomes apparent to all passengers that relying on the cabin service crew is folly indeed. As a result they are simply compelled to work together to facilitate their needs! The ultimate democratic airline?

Of course there was the obligatory check-in ritual to be observed (see below), and I wasn't disappointed. On the way out to South Africa the procedure was followed to the letter -- right down to only getting bulkhead seats at the door of the plane. Now usually by this stage I am "known" to the cabin service crew (not many passengers make as much of a fuss as me). As a result someone is commonly sent to placate me in an attempt to head off anymore more disturbance. Not on this occasion. The first approach I had was from some trolley dolly asking (very nicely I must admit) whether I would consider moving to another seat! Doh! How do I even begin to explain this poor deluded fool what a futile path she is embarking on?

Now even I have a conscience, and the reason I was being asked to move was because there was a mother with a young baby sitting in a "normal" seat. Travellers with young children are, where possible, given bulkhead seats so that they can place their tender charges in "cradles" that attach to the bulkhead. Indeed, sitting next to us there was a couple with just such a young child. So I did have a slight prick of guilt when I was asked to move. However, once airborne the steward tried no less than three cradles -- none of which worked -- for the couple next to us before abandoning the project with a shrug. As a result the early model human being had to be transported on the lap of its parents anyway. What little guilt I had was now well and truly assauged, washed gently away by this singular display of ineptitude and indifference!

When it came to the return journey I hadn't even made it as far as the check-in before the dreaded dance began. A very strange system for weighing luggage exists where it is done on the trolley before you are allowed anywhere near the check-in desk. When I travel I have an unspecified medical allowance for my baggage. Unfortunately nobody bothered to tell SAA! In the past I have had to open my luggage to demonstrate the existence of my medical equipment for the benefit of Zimbabwe's Customs officers, but never before have my goods and chattels been rifled through before even getting to face down the check-in staff! Suffice to say a letter is being drafted as we speak. And of course I won the day in the end.

So to check-in. Now I am on very familiar battleground. After a lengthy conference I was pleasantly surprised by the unusual news that my bulkhead seats had been secured. Result? Well, actually no. On the aircraft I discovered that their cunning strategy involved seating me in the bulkhead, while seating my PA on the other side of the aisle -- a seat that was neither in the bulkhead nor directly adjacent to mine! Predictably the cabin crew were nowhere to be seen, so taking matters into hand I began rearranging the passenger manifest. A couple (without children) were sitting next to us and a gentleman on his own was supposed to have the other seat in the block. When he arrived the couple said "I'm afraid you've been moved", to which the gentleman responded "Again?"!

Fortunately he was very good about moving, and so we were off.

During the flight it transpired that the relocated gentleman had ordered vegetarian meals. The first of these was dutifully brought to his original seat, and was then conveyed down the row to its rightful owner. The next course was then duly delivered to ……………………. exactly the same place and despatched along exactly the same route to its final destination. And so it continued!

So, in the words of those wise men at Carlsberg ……….. "Probably the most democratic airline in the world?" Thank God for alcohol!