So, has anyone else noticed that the EU has expanded to include a number of former Eastern European states? I'm thinking specifically of Poland and Lithuania at this stage. You may be wondering why I am particularly concerned with these two emerging nations. The answer is simply that I have had a few PAs from these countries in the last couple of months. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all in favour of the free migration of labour from places that have lots of it, and cheap, to places with a shortage. The problem is that at this stage I don't particularly want these buggers working for me!

Let me explain. The role of my PA is to facilitate my lifestyle, but probably the most significant duties involve getting me in and out of bed. The way that this is done is that I lie in bed and give instruction as to how I want to be extracted from my boudoir -- so to speak. A fundamental requirement of being able to follow those instructions is the ability to understand them in the first instance. As my mother tongue is English it is convenient when my PAs are conversant in it. While I in no way want to tar all Poles and Lithuanians with the same brush, in my experience English is not one of their strongest points! So "cut" to my bedroom if you will:

"Straighten my leg. No, my leg. My leg, my leg. The thing that is hanging out of my hip with a foot on the end, that's my arm you are moving. Yes, that's my leg. Straighten it. No no, straighten it. No, that's bending it -- no don't bend it, DON'T BEND IT, straighten it. Straighten it, make it straight. Straight like a straight line -- like a ruler. Wait, where are you going? No, don't go and get a ruler, just straighten my leg. Look at my other leg -- leg, not arm -- now make this leg [prod, prod] like this leg [prod, prod]. No, don't try and twist my foot around just straighten my leg so that it is as straight as the other leg. That's right. Well done. Now, get a pair of socks out of the middle drawer of the bedside table. The bedside table. That table over their, the one with three drawers. Drawers. Things that open that you keep clothes in, with a handle. The knob thing in the middle of the draw is the handle. That's what you use to open the drawer. No, PULL the drawer don't PUSH it. That's right, and now get a pair of brown socks out. Socks, that you wear on your feet under your shoes. Shoes, you wear them on your feet. No, that's my hand and you put gloves on your hand. Gloves? Well don't worry about them at the moment, just get a pair of brown socks out of the drawer…………………………….."

And so the morning continues.

A few hours later I emerge, slightly jaded I must say, to face the world. After the brief respite of a quiet cup of tea to gather myself it's time for lunch. So the general factotum is summoned to the kitchen:

"Right, I need to to see what I've got so open that cupboard over there. Cupboard, the thing with doors on behind you -- the one where the food is kept. No, that's a drawer -- yes, like the one on the bedside table but with a different handle, knob -- but I want to open the cupboard which is above that. Above. Up. Up. Towards the ceiling -- roof. That's it. Stop. Stop! That's the one, that's the cupboard …………………"

And so dear friends, once more it into the breach!?!