Embassies are bastards! So much for the shop window for other countries. In my experience the shutters have been brought firmly down and the only way to gain even partially entry is departing with the proverbial blue coin!

Take for example my recent encounter with the cheese eating surrender monkey French. A visa is required for my impending trip to Paris (not for me mind). First point of call is the website. Here very general information is available -- the majority of which is in French. Having decoded the procedure I need to find out two things:

1) am I in search of a business or tourist visa?

2) in the event of me having to go to the embassy (sorry consulate) is it by any chance wheelchair accessible?

Unsurprisingly this information is not available on the website. So off to the "contact us" section, only to discover that the following options are available:

A) premium rate number (£1 per minute) for visa information. On investigation it appears to be a repeat of what is on the website with the added twist of emptying your wallet at the same time!

B) premium rate number (£1 per minute) to book an appointment. On investigation there is at least two minutes of irrelevant information before the booking process even begins!

C) standard rate number for visa inquiries. Ah, promising? Well actually, no! Unless of course you regard a recorded message pointing you in the direction of the two premium rate numbers useful!

D) e-mail address.

Given that timings are quite tight on this one I was hoping to get a more immediate response, but in the end I admitted defeat and sent an e-mail with my queries. The result. 24 hours later a response telling me that

1) I am in search of a tourist visa.

2) the consulate is not wheelchair accessible. Sorry for that!

Given my well-known patience with bureaucrats and my love of queuing I shall be employing the services of a visa agent on this occasion!

Bastards!